Mind, Heart, & Emotions

Fuck

mindheartemotions — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 10:11:10 +0000

mindheartemotions — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 09:49:11 +0000

really
k
really
ok thats how you feel
alright
go your own way
fuck off!
I can take care of myself
fuck you!
im maD
Hurt
Im devistated
but not broken
crushed but functional
fuck…
sigh
I just feel like crying
overwhelmed with emotion
fuck
fuck
whatever
I always get treated bad
why do i continue to be nice and let people walk all over me and use me?
I’m tired of being used.
As far as Im concerned women can fuck themselves!
Im done trusting bitches
hurt
wounded
scared
courageous
valiant
brave
lonely
craving affection, love, and care
missing those who care about me
I cant wait to see my family.
Will I ever have a family of my own?
who knows… I seem to fuck everything up.
I need to work on treating women nice.
I need time, lots of time to think, heal, and grow from this experience. I need a weekend get away.
I am thinking of Harbin Hotsprings… I will look into it.
wtf life is so funny sometimes.
unpredictable.
ever changing.
who the fuck cares anyways.
not many people.
now my lover doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
I’m sad.
mad.
upset.
hurt.
perplexed.
what to do
that is the question
it looks like it will be messy
clean up on aisle 8…
fuck me.
I loose everything important to me.
Those I love I hurt and push away.
Fuck me.
why do I fuck things up when I’m content with them?
I don’t have much to say.
I’m speechless.
I’m fucked.
Fuck me.
I am deciding right now that I choose not to degrees deep into depression.
I want to do what makes me happy.
I choose to invest myself.
I will guard myself more.
I feel hurt. Dan says I’m a fool if I stay with her, I think he is right.

Love

mindheartemotions — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 06:44:35 +0000

I love her. I do cherish her. I miss her when were apart through the day. I love her touch. I need her love. I need her thoughtful care. I desire her. I am inspired by her. I trust her. I care for her. I am committed to her. I want to be with her. She bring happiness and sunshine to my life. she brings out the best in me. she is loyal. she is beautiful. she has such a strong spirit. she is so smart. she is very witty. she is a wonderful lover. I desire to grow old with her and I desire for her to bear my children. I love her.

Bleeding From the Heart

mindheartemotions — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 21:42:48 +0000

I trusted
she hurt
I feel like such a failure.
Its all my fault.
I always fuck everything up.
I am going to be independent soon.
I will go my own way.
We will part.
We won’t talk, call, live near each other, text, hangout or anything… I can’t fuckin believe it. This hurts so much. I feel betrayed. She was lying to me, who knows what else she was lying about though. The fact that she openly wants to break up and see other people, that destroys me! Oh I’m bleeding outta my heart a foutain of emotion! Oh how writing helps me express my self in a healthy way. It sucks the way that I roll in life, all my eggs in one basket, I think that I want to change how I live my life. I want to choose to put myself in a spot where I have access to the things I need/want in life, family, house, cars, vacations, college fund, ect. * I want to be happy and make others happy around me too.
“I love him, but I don’t” – my girlfriend ( that fuckin quote stung like a bee bitch when I heard it.)

Hurt

mindheartemotions — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 21:04:17 +0000

Pain
Take it in stride
confide?
not again…
for at least awhile.
I just found out:
- that my girlfriend lied to me.
- she said she loved me, but she didn’t.
- my girlfriend had never been faithful to someone before.
- that my girlfriend said, “If he doesn’t figure something out, I’m gonna have no choice but to cut the fat. And all he is right now is fat. FML”
- that my girlfriend didn’t think we should be together since 7/14/11 – all the times she said she loved me, she didn’t.
- my girlfriend for a month has thought it was a bad idea to be with me and didn’t cut off the relationship. wtf@$#%!!!
- my girlfriend thinks I am ‘below’ her and she is ‘above’ me… where the fuck did she come up with that bullshit!!! She’s fuckin crazy! who the fuck does she think she is???
- that my girlfriend wants to “…go at it alone.” without me in the picture. I see. Nice knowing you too.
- that I made her todo list and ranked #7 – “Break up w/ _____. -after shit gets better.”
- my girlfriend thinks, “we have no business being together.”0
- my girlfriend said, “I love him, but I don’t.”
- that my girlfriend is only with me right now out of convenience.
Q – I wonder if you have had anyone say that to you that you truly loved that they didn’t love you anymore, it feels like a 100 pound shit falls on you. My heart is ripped open. My blood is pouring out. I feel as I don’t have any ambition in living my life anymore. I am going back to school to be able to support a family in the future. If she would have told me sooner that she didn’t love me anymore I wouldn’t have came back to SF from Wa after the Rainbow Gathering this summer. I would be on the road. Traveling. no commitment. my heart hurts and I feel like I am screaming inside, there are no sound. just tears. my emotions are all fucked up, I’m on a emotional roller coaster. I’m in a bad spot. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. It was better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all. Fuck man I always do that! Fuck… I put all my eggs, so to say, in one basket. I need to have a backup plan. I need to have money so I can do what I want, go where I want to go, have what I want to have, live whatever lifestyle I want. Should I cancel my student loans and school and up n go travel? Why should I be here? Other than my girlfriend (who doesn’t love me anymore) I have nothing keeping me here… fuck this shit. I’m going to do something drastic, crazy, without thinking. I feel useless right now, my emotions have taken over. I don’ want to, I refuse to live in a sad depressed cell. fuck that. I want to be happy and I’m going to be happy. It just hurts to be thrown to the wayside by some you loved and they loved you… but they grew cold for you and stopped loving you. That hurts alot and I shed so many tears over it. I just hurt and… I have nothing more to say right now.

*I feel like a bad idea.
*I’ve never felt so off level.
*I’ve never felt below someone before.

- I wish she would of told me before I took out loans for school. well I had no credit before taking out loans. whatever. I will keep medicating and living my life. I love her. I want what is best for her. I want her to be with someone else that makes her happy. I want her to be healthy. I want her to be successful and have all the fine things in life she wants. I want to continue on my sucess/education/career path… we will see how that turns out. I might talk to my brother when I see him. I might continue school here. I might travel. I might stay at my families house. I don’t know. I might go away for 3 days. who knows… who the fuck cares anyway.

She

mindheartemotions — Thu, 12 May 2011 21:07:51 +0000

She

… now talks to me as if I’m a stranger.

… hates me now.

… she punched me in the face.

… looked at me with intense fear.

… loves me, but doesn’t wanna be with me.

… she says she loves me, but attacked me wtf.

… cooks real good.

Her

… touch.

… witt.

… pure love.

… sensuality.

… care.

… thought.

… givingness.

… abrasiveness.

… “Make it happen” attitiude.

… sweet heart.

… gentle soul.

… committment.

… intelligence.

I feel like shit. I am sad. I am depressed. I am lonely. I am…

mindheartemotions — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 22:29:23 +0000

no work

“jerk! jerk! jerk!”

introvert

tail in between legs

whatever!

shove it!

I can do whatever I want.

I’m not going to go do it, nope.

I’m now not going to go look for a job.

I hope it makes you happy

I’m not happy

I’m

mad

angry

frustrated

depressed

antisocial

discouraged

introvert

pissed off!

F@#$ it!

Whatever.

If we’re going to argue about $ I don’t want to be with you.

chitty chatting

mindheartemotions — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:44:01 +0000

Talking and Thinking

Mostly Thinking… too much out of the day

worrying and more worrying

it freezes me up and I do nothing

I’m idle… I am going to do something

why do I dread facing things?

how can I live to the fullest carefree again?

what gives…

have a cold one?

***shrugging shoulders***

anyway…

I need to move on

to live my life

to not let the past haunt me

fear has crept into my life and has made me miserable

aww… I’m gonna go eat a bowl of chilly and drink a beer and watch t.v.

I’ll write more later

oh yeah one more thing

I’m looking forward to going out to Colorado soon…

wml

Prayer & Meditation

mindheartemotions — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 23:54:58 +0000

I am going to meditate on Holy Scriptures and pray and plan to update blog later.

Thinking

mindheartemotions — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 08:31:16 +0000

Wanting to believe

Waiting for an answer

Wanting to be loved

Can’t believe… so suprised at what happened

Perplexed with fear

With the unexpected

Fearful of more failure

Its too bad

…

I just can’t stand it

Feeling sorry for myself all the time

I need some help!

Jesus I need Your help!

Desperately I do.

There a part that does & doesn’t want it…

Please I beg have mercy on my soul

Let me have rest in my soul

Let me sleep

Restore peace enjoyed with You

Restore a fear of You

Restore a hatred for sin

and a love for the things You love

I am a mess and everyone can see it

I can’t fool You or anyone else

I’m afraid

I’m tormented

I’ve medicated myself but it hasn’t helped

Help me…

not to run anymore…

please break me and mold me

Please restore broken relationships

I’m asking for a miracle

I need You

I’m so empty

…and hurting.

I can sense You haven’t given up on me

and Your seeking after me

Thank You for loving me Jesus

I’m so sorry for all the wrong things I’ve done…

The pain I’ve caused

I need change

My heart has been distant from You

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to You“

I can sense You presence

I can sense You peace

I ask that You would break through the bondage – break through the chains

silence the voices, the victory is near…

I want You to be Lord in my life

I want You to be near

I want You to rule my life

I want You to be my Master

I want You to reign in my life

I want the Truth of Your Light

Jesus…

Thank You for being available to listen to me

Thank You that You have everything worked out

Thank You that You will take care of me

Thank You that You will lead me

Thank You that You will overcome every doubt I have

Thank You that You are strong

Thank You that darkness bows down to you

Thank You that You are hailed and praised

Thank You that You are good

Thank You that You are loving

Thank You for paying for my sins

Thank You for being my defense

Thank You for loving me

Thank You for being there all those times I stepped out in faith

and You aided and helped me

Thank for being here right now amidst the spiritual battle

Thank You for being strong

Please give me strength

Help me to come to You tomorrow and the next and the next…

Help me tomorrow

Show me what I should do – goto SF or not…

Help me follow You…

I don’t know what to do…

I am a mess.

I need help.

Thank You for listening and being here